I meet couples and individuals in my line of work all of whom are in some way or another, engaged in a relationship with someone.  It is through our relationships with people that we learn to trust who we are and our effect on the world.  If our relationships are constructive and positive we feel uplifted, hopeful, independent, strong, effective and so on.  If our relationships are not so constructive we feel negative, low, helpless and weak.

When someone comes to talk to me about whatever problem or current issue they have, I can guarantee that they are bringing with them half a dozen other people into my therapy room…..what do I mean?

Well, everyone has 2 parents, some are still alive, some are deceased.  But still we have an ongoing relationship with them.  Most people who come to see me work, so they have relationships with coworkers or bosses.  And alot of people have partners, girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands or wives who they have to negotiate with.

So that’s what I mean.  All of us have a myriad of current and past relationships all of which have in some way shaped the person we are today.  We can choose to believe who they say we are, or we can start inventing our own self perception……

So our choice is

• we can allow ourselves to be defined by how THEY see US and subject ourselves to years of victimhood and defeatest thinking
• or we can take control of our own self perception and start INFLUENCING positively how people engage with us.

Now let me talk more specifically.  If your parent told you you were lazy, insensitive or selfish when you were young, or even if they just implied it, perhaps you’ve grown up fearing being ‘lazy, insensitive or selfish’.  As a result you will go out of your way to PROVE you are worthy and sensitive and caring, becoming hypersensitive to those who appear to you to be lazy insensitive or selfish.  You will wear your great qualities, worthy sensitive and caring proudly as a badge…..but close on your heels is the fear that if you let your guard down, someone might see who you REALLY are!!  Ever felt like that?  It is, I have come to believe, a condition of being human, and indeed a condition of being human in the current cultural climate where bling and status seem so high up on our list of priorities.

Intimate Relationships

In our intimate relationships with our partners in life, we expect total support, trust and confidence…and indeed, they are good foundations for a positve and constructive relationship.  But whose fault is it when something goes wrong?  We so easily point the finger and accuse others of treating us this way or that.  It’s comforting to feel we have been wronged and we were just the helpless victim in all this….. Sound familiar?

And I wonder at that point, how many other times you’ve been wronged by loads of other people in your life?  Can you see a pattern developing as you cast your mind back over times you felt similar to this?  And answer me this: WHO or WHAT is the common denominator?

It is us.  Or our experience of the world.  It is our unique perception that interprets others behaviour and words as either hurtful or constructive.   And that perception will be something you have brought with you from your earliest relationships into the here and now.  What is one man’s poison is another man’s medicine!  How true this expression is!

So to do battle with your negativity and choose to look at things constructively and positively is a worthy learning curve.  It is something, I believe, we were put here on this earth to do.  It is too easy to be negative and to point the finger.  Nothing will improve with this mindset: not our own health, nor the health of others.  The true way to creating happiness is to take charge of our minds and create a way of life and a set of circumstances personally crafted by us for our wellbeing and of course, therefore, for the wellbeing of everyone we meet.

That’s my thought for the day…backed up by years of personal experience and experience listening to you who book in to see me every week.

(c) Jenny Lynn, 2008. Reprints welcome so long as by-line and article are published intact and all links made live.

About Jenny Lynn

Jenny is an integrative psychotherapist, counsellor and hypnotherapist.  That means, whatever  personality or issue you present with, she can address appropriately and swiftly.  She also offers short courses in personal development in a range of subjects both in person and now online and is available to give public talks having presented for MIND, Saffron Walden CMHT, Uttlesford NHS practice nurses, WEA, among others.  She also offers specialist training to fellow professionals in the treatment of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/ME.  

Jenny created The Open Mind Guide to enable many others to benefit from her no nonsense, practical yet sensitive advice and guidance.  If you liked this article, then you’ll love the site! RSS the products page and the blog and keep informed of future developments.