I happened to drop some leaflets off at the GP’s surgery a few days ago for my Assertiveness and Confidence class and the receptionist said about her colleague who was standing next to her: “I don’t think you need this, Ann?” To which her colleague roared with laughter and said, “No. I already tell people what to do!”. I laughed with them. But next I said, “That’s not assertiveness. That’s aggression.” And turning more seriously to the first lady, I said: “You wouldn’t believe how many people misunderstand what assertiveness means.” She looked at me curiously. And I continued.

“Assertiveness is about negotiation. It’s about everyone coming out with a win-win solution to a problem or conflict”. I said.

“Oh!” she replied, weakly as if what I’d said just didn’t fit with her understanding of the word, ‘assertiveness’. I carried on the banter for a few more minutes and then took my leave.

How widely this term is misunderstood! With assertiveness people hear aggressiveness. The two couldn’t be further apart.

Let’s take the scale of interactions from the least to the most. For example,

Passivity
Passivity is about fearing conflict. It’s about giving in for a quiet life. It’s about not daring to confront or challenge a situation because you are fearful of people and what they might do to you or think about you if you did challenge. Sound like you? If it is did you know that, passivity can cause depression when we have no faith in our power and feel we are letting ourselves and others down. That’ll explain why you might feel down for no reason now and again. Passive people attract aggressive people to them.

Aggression
Aggression is about domination. It is about winning a position by putting your oponent down. Even physically non aggressive people can come across aggressively. This is because of the way they assert their status above you and the way they seem to feel justified in taking the high ground. Do you hate feeling on the back foot and are aware you can be too ‘in-your-face’ at times? Is your aggressive style sometimes counterproductive? Aggressive people may attract passive people to them.

Assertiveness
Assertiveness is about negotiation. This means that all aspects of a discussion are considered and then a course of action is taken that satisfies all parties concerned. If you go into discussion with a passive person in an assertive way, the passive person will feel empowered. If you go into discussion with an aggressive person in an assertive way, that person will feel appreciated. Can you remember a teacher at school who was always ‘fair’ with you even though at times they were quite firm?

There should be no winners or losers in life. Everyone is able to benefit from assertive behaviour.

The question is more “How do you know how to be Assertive?” Well, my e course will soon be available.  Watch here for more news.