One of the biggest blocks I meet when teaching assertiveness is firstly explaining to people what assertiveness actually is. Many people might say, warily, of someone, “She’s very assertive!” But let’s be honest, what you really mean is “She’s aggressive!” THAT is not assertiveness. Some people feel they shouldn’t be doing a course in assertiveness because they have a front to uphold. The facade portrays iron-like will and supreme confidence. But as with the old proverbial duck, they’re “paddling like mad beneath the surface!” I’d say a good half of those on my courses dare to join because they are fed up with feeling vulnerable while still portraying confidence, even assertiveness. So let me explain a little bit about assertiveness. Assertiveness is actually about

• feeling really relaxed with who you are
• being able to say your truth calmly
• being able hear difficult truths from others calmly
• and being able to find solutions that go some way to fitting in with everyone’s needs.

Often we’re caught up in our own worlds of anxiety:

• worrying what will happen if we ask for something
• worrying how other people will see us
• worrying how badly we will hurt someone if we say “no” to them
• or worrying if we criticise someone else.

Notice how, in the above list of worries, none of them are actually happening in real time. They are all flights of fancy, based on a ‘theory of mind’. That is a personal theory that everyone has the same cares and worries as us, and if we would be hurt by rejection, then others will be too. Then we go about being as careful as possible with others so that we don’t hurt them. But as we can never really know what others are thinking without asking them, we imagine the worst case scenario every time. And we play out the same fears of being not good enough, or defective again and again!

My Assertiveness Course explodes all these common fears and anxieties and invites you to challenge what the REALITY is. Reality is far less frightening than all those other concerns and worries.

• People like people who are fair and straight with them
• People like people who like themselves
• People like people who when they say they will do something, they do it
• People like people who will be clear and honest with them
• People like people who they don’t have to feel responsible for.

The goal is to teach you how you can be like that. As a result, you will learn how to cast a new perspective on things, how to panic less, how to feel equal to who you present yourself as: ultimately how to be assertive. In the meantime, if you would like some help with those fears and anxieties, you might find my Open Mind Guide to dealing with your Anxiety quite useful. Go to www.theopenmindguide.com and download your copy directly onto your computer for you to read in minutes. You will benefit from the 6 years of my clinical experience working with dozens, if not hundreds, of people with confidence and anxiety issues.

(c) Jenny Lynn, 2008. Reprints welcome so long as by-line and article are published intact and all links made live.

About Jenny Lynn

Jenny is an integrative psychotherapist, counsellor and hypnotherapist.  That means, whatever  personality or issue you present with, she can address appropriately and swiftly.  She also offers short courses in personal development in a range of subjects both in person and now online and is available to give public talks having presented for MIND, Saffron Walden CMHT, Uttlesford NHS practice nurses, WEA, among others.  She also offers specialist training to fellow professionals in the treatment of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/ME.  

Jenny created The Open Mind Guide to enable many others to benefit from her no nonsense, practical yet sensitive advice and guidance.  If you liked this article, then you’ll love the site! RSS the products page and the blog and keep informed of future developments.