Well I’m sure all you ladies out there who have trouble saying “No” may find this quite a tricky question. Saying “No” and meaning “No” is simplicity itself. But our head and heart split has baffled and confounded our menfolk, I’ve no doubt, throughout time! But to be generous to men too, it isn’t just a female problem.

And what do I mean “head and heart split”? Well think about it. Our heart knows it’s time to say “No” but our head says, not just “yes” but things like:

• What will people think if I say “No”?
• Other people are worse off than me. It’s no problem.
• People might think I’m selfish if I say “No”.
• I can’t justify saying “No” when I’ve got so much time on my hands.

So own up! Which of these few categories do you fall into? Well, I’m telling you now. Continuing to think like this may make you appear very charitable on the outside, but underneath you’ll be seething like mad! You’ll be claiming:

• Others are so selfish. Can’t they see I’m stressed?
• If I just do it this time, perhaps they won’t ask me again.
• I’ll have to think up a really good excuse next time.
• I’ll just have to avoid them.

Oh dear! Really? Is it really that hard to use that little two letter word “No”? Are others really selfish or does it just feel that way because you will not defend yourself effectively?

Let’s face it. If we don’t give out any signals that indicate that we do not want to do something, how are people meant to guess? We might be supersensitive, but other people may have a different way of looking at the world, have fewer sensitivities, or dare I say it, fewer ‘hang ups’ and will expect you to be straight with them.

What I would like you to consider is the idea of rejecting a request and not a person. Let me explain.

Saying “No” to someone may not mean “No, never” it may just mean “No, not now”. So I want you to become proactive when faced with a request from someone. If it’s something that’s inconvenient but that you would like to do at some point, say so. You are not rejecting the person: only the request. There is a big difference.

Keep watching here for my Assertiveness and Confidence e-course details later this autumn.

(c) Jenny Lynn, 2008. Reprints welcome so long as by-line and article are published intact and all links made live.

About Jenny Lynn

Jenny is an integrative psychotherapist, counsellor and hypnotherapist.  That means, whatever  personality or issue you present with, she can address appropriately and swiftly.  She also offers short courses in personal development in a range of subjects both in person and now online and is available to give public talks having presented for MIND, Saffron Walden CMHT, Uttlesford NHS practice nurses, WEA, among others.  She also offers specialist training to fellow professionals in the treatment of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/ME.  

Jenny created The Open Mind Guide to enable many others to benefit from her no nonsense, practical yet sensitive advice and guidance.  If you liked this article, then you’ll love the site! RSS the products page and the blog and keep informed of future developments.