We explored last time the idea that perhaps what we perceive as criticism is just our perception. Perhaps others are just doing what they do the only way they know how. And perhaps it is we who are looking at it through our self critical lens.

However, what if people are, in fact, criticising you? What if they are overly critical of you either expressly or surreptitiously? What do you do then?

Well, one thing’s for sure, they are giving you a message about their own potentially crooked perception of you! Just like you assumed others might be criticising you when they aren’t, perhaps they are looking at you through a similar personal lens of their own. Perhaps they are resenting your freedom or your high spirits because they would like to be like that. But instead of doing the honest and fair thing by applauding you, they bring you down so that you do not threaten to make them feel left out or abandoned.

See how it works? When we receive criticism we must stay still with ourselves and first ask, “What is making this person be so critical about me?” In other words, “What message are they giving me about their perception of the world?”

They’ll swear blind that you are causing them to feel that way……but I bet you any money, they feel that way with alot of people. It is their habit that is causing them to see people as threats not yours. You are just doing what you do the only way you know how! See how we can turn it around now?

What might cause a person to be critical then?

Well let’s take a typical criticism, like, “You’re so selfish!”
Don’t you hate that word? Selfish? What does it mean? Well, if you strip it back to the feeling that caused this accusation, it probably means, “I wish I could feel free to look after my own interests like you do”.

People that think this are usually people who have been, say, neglected or ignored, probably when young, and have made it their life’s mission to never inflict that kind of treatment on anyone else. In fact, to compensate for this, people like this become overly selfless and sensitive to others’ needs. The problem is, not everyone else will have been affected badly by neglect or having been ignored. Other people don’t make it their life’s mission to be seen as generous and giving, because they are not compensating for a lack of attention from earlier times.

So we have a clash of cultures here! One person who is fairly straightforward and will ask for what they want, and another person who feels they have to earn the right to have what they want by behaving selflessly. The problem is, it turns communication into a ‘guess what’s in my mind’ game! And if you don’t guess right, then you must be selfish! Are you with me?

So, the antidote? Start expressing carefully and without blame your thoughts and feelings. Be honest. Own up to how you feel. Share it. Be courageous. And engage in some genuine communication about feelings, not opinions or accusations. And when you receive criticism, tell the criticiser just that, how you feel when they speak to you that way? It takes courage. But you can do it! Choose to develop yourself and rid yourself of negative habits! Watch out for the next instalment of Assertiveness and Confidence.

(c) Jenny Lynn, 2008. Reprints welcome so long as by-line and article are published intact and all links made live.

About Jenny Lynn

Jenny is an integrative psychotherapist, counsellor and hypnotherapist.  That means, whatever  personality or issue you present with, she can address appropriately and swiftly.  She also offers short courses in personal development in a range of subjects both in person and now online and is available to give public talks having presented for MIND, Saffron Walden CMHT, Uttlesford NHS practice nurses, WEA, among others.  She also offers specialist training to fellow professionals in the treatment of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/ME.  

Jenny created The Open Mind Guide to enable many others to benefit from her no nonsense, practical yet sensitive advice and guidance.  If you liked this article, then you’ll love the site! RSS the products page and the blog and keep informed of future developments.