That’s a big one isn’t it? Criticism can be one of the most difficult things to hear. But I wonder how many of you are hearing criticism where there is none? Sometimes, we can have such a mind set that expects criticism, that we perceive every throw away comment as being a personal criticism of who we are. It’s very tiring wading through all this ‘stuff’ to try and communicate with people who have become so sensitive. In fact, it can be quite exhausting…. let me give you a typical his and hers scenario because, let’s face it, it’s more likely to happen perhaps between the sexes where we nigh on speak different languages!

He comes home, tired and weary: “What a day I had at the office today! I could do with a drink.” She, hurt and wounded, says: “You know where the cupboard is!” He: “Oh. What have I done now?”. Sound familiar? Our words are so concise aren’t they. But what a wealth of unspoken hurt and disappointment lies beneath these words.

Let’s dissect this. Why would she be so hurt and wounded? And what’s actually going on here? Perhaps his habit is to drink too much and ignore her. Perhaps her habit is to feel ignored whatever state he comes home in. Perhaps he does all the household chores as well as work and was hoping she’d pour him a drink. Perhaps she had spent all day cleaning the house and was wearing her sexiest lingerie to welcome him home! Well, tell me you’ve never done it! (Please?) So whatever expectations this couple may have had of each other, have not been communicated clearly. The habits of this relationship have become so rigid and inflexible, that neither party understands that there are other ways of doing things…. It’s at this point that a new way of working is essential if a relationship is to continue to be a source of nourishment and support. And it might be useful if both parties understood what the new rules were. For example, instead of jumping to conclusions and thinking you have understood something,

• Why not ask for clarification?
• Why not tell your partner how their request makes you feel instead of launching an attack on what you think they’ve said?
• Why not listen carefully to the response for a change?
• Why not wonder what is driving your partner to speak this way?
• Why not take the ‘I’ out of your thinking? Stop being so sensitive that it is all about you!

The paradox is, that all the while we think it is about us, we accuse others of victimising us. And therefore, when we accuse others, we make it all about us. It all becomes a cyclical self fulfilling prophecy.

The Remedy?

Well actually, it’s only one remedy. But a good way to help you detox your thinking. As far back as the 19th Century, French Psychologist, Emile Coue, came up with that famous statement. “Every day in every way I am getting better and better”. He called this ‘optimistic autosuggestion’. He said that we are running subconscious messages like tapes all day long about who we are, reinforcing our identity, our value, our personality. We are subconsciously affirming and confirming with every exchange that ‘this is how we are’, ‘this is why people talk to you like this’, it’s because you’re worthless, or ugly or stupid, that people talk to you like this….and that sets off some of the deepest patterns we have been given since our earliest years. So raising your self esteem means you have to capture those thoughts and think more loving and affirming thoughts about yourself. How about, ‘I’m fine’, ‘I’m worthwhile’, ‘I’m beautfiul’, ‘I’m sexy’….well you can ad lib from here! Do it morning, noon and night. Think how many years you’ve been running the alternative tape….it’ll need alot of overwriting. And remember, when you start to talk to yourself more lovingly, others will detect it and start to respond to you differently.

(c) Jenny Lynn, 2008. Reprints welcome so long as by-line and article are published intact and all links made live.

About Jenny Lynn

Jenny is an integrative psychotherapist, counsellor and hypnotherapist.  That means, whatever  personality or issue you present with, she can address appropriately and swiftly.  She also offers short courses in personal development in a range of subjects both in person and now online and is available to give public talks having presented for MIND, Saffron Walden CMHT, Uttlesford NHS practice nurses, WEA, among others.  She also offers specialist training to fellow professionals in the treatment of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/ME.  

Jenny created The Open Mind Guide to enable many others to benefit from her no nonsense, practical yet sensitive advice and guidance.  If you liked this article, then you’ll love the site! RSS the products page and the blog and keep informed of future developments.